I'm Bringing Sexy Back
Posted: Thursday, June 14, 2007
by Scot McKay - Dating Coach
X & Y Communications
No,
not me personally. I’m no Justin
Timberlake (which is fine with me, frankly).
It’s
just that I’m starting to think we’ve completely lost touch with what “sexy"
means…especially as far as what makes a woman sexy. And that is something that needs to make a comeback…big time.
Men
who are confident, stylish and masculine are generally understood to be
sexy. We talk a lot about that sort of
thing around here, and have the newsletter archive, podcast feeds and the Power
Sessions to prove it.
But
for women, there’s a disconnect in today’s culture. And I believe it to be a particularly tragic one. Somewhere along the line, the concept of
“sexy" somehow began to be confused with—or even considered interchangeable with—“slutty".
Do
you know the difference between the two?
Can you articulate what that difference is? Both a “sexy" woman and a “slutty" woman are sexually
attractive, and each therefore can get men pretty well charged up. But that’s where the similarities end.
In
my mind the difference is very clear.
To me, a “sexy" woman exudes the kind of natural feminine charm and
mystique that ignites masculine energy.
Softness, warmth, peace, dignity, motherhood, grace, a warm
smile and a caring heart draw men in…all woven together with confidence. Certainly, a feminine woman who believes in
the natural strength of her very femininity itself reaches the elusive state of
“irresistibility" that the likes of Amy Waterman and Marie Forleo harp on so consistently…and
for good reason. After all, what
masculine man can resist a feminine woman?
Natural femininity is just flat-out sexy.
So,
then, what causes a woman to come off as “slutty" rather than “sexy"?
A
few newsletters ago we discussed how men who are “sex focused" tend to chase
away great women. Similarly, women who
think “all men are sex-focused dogs" tend to attract…well…“sex-focused
dogs". After all, what man who
genuinely appreciates femininity is going to settle for a woman who has such a
cynical view of manhood?
And
therein lies the answer to what really is at the core of “sluttiness". Simply put, when a woman decides in her mind
that all men truly are “sex-focused dogs", we already know how that attitude
affects what kind of guys she tends to attract. But what is her reaction?
Some women are frustrated by their view of men and prefer to stay
alone--dateless. Other women, waving a
white flag to what they perceive to be the only dimension of manhood available
out there, instead capitulate to men who focus on sex.
Perhaps
in today’s culture there are plenty of women who are just as sex-focused as
many men are. I won’t discount
that. But in the majority of cases when
a woman comes off as “slutty", she simply believes she has the most to gain if
she just gives sex-focused men exactly what they want. So she portrays herself as a sex object,
with the goal of maximizing her sexual visibility and therefore her potential
for getting attention from the type of guy she feels she must settle for. After all, the alternative--in her mind--is no guy.
Notice
I used that word “settle" again. That’s
exactly what is going on here. Whether
we are sex-focused and/or have talked ourselves into believing the opposite sex
is so, we set ourselves up for getting less out of life than greatness when it
comes to relationships. Often you hear
“sluttiness" referred to in the same context as “lack of self-respect". Agreed, insofar as the act of capitulation
to mediocrity goes. But it’s much
deeper than that. And again, it’s not a
“male/female" thing, it’s a “human" thing.
How so? Sex-focused men and the
women who capitulate to them (and vice-versa when the shoe fits) are both not
just disrespecting themselves, they are failing to respect the opposite gender.
And
you know what that adds up to. You’ve
got it: Everybody involved is getting
exactly what they are setting themselves up for in their respective dating
lives.
If you want a great man or a great woman, you
must believe there is greatness to be had in the opposite gender. Think “appreciate and ignite" rather than
“capitulate and accept" and you’ll get out from under this sexual rat race if
you so choose. Then, of course, you’ll
begin to deserve what you want.
Scot, I found your article to be a fascinating read. Your title made a bold statement which really captured my interest. A woman always like to get the male perspective on these cultural matters. Great job, you're a very strong writer! BTW, do you know who Cyndi Lauper is?
Thank you, Cari. I appreciate your kind words. And yes, I certainly remember Cyndi Lauper...I'm old enough!
A sexy woman is simply a self confident woman. One that is not needy and carries her self well. Self confidence prohibits the need for exessive make-up and minimum clothing. A woman who is not afraid to be a 'woman' as you say feminine.
You should also know that generally women do not dress to impress men they dress to impress other women.
Hello Creative Blogger. I'm not sure if I'm following your comments. Are you agreeing with me or disagreeing? The piece is all about having confidence in one's femininity vs. capitulating to the sex-focused man. I don't believe I mentioned clothing at all, unless "if the shoe fits" classifies. For the record, I agree with you that women dress for each other, and I've heard that in several interviews with Leil Lowndes et al. We guys generally don't care as long as you are feminine and well-groomed. A terrific woman looks as hot to us in a pink tracksuit as she does in a Carolina Herrera.