How To Stop Being Manipulated By Others: The Golden Rule In Reverse
Posted: Thursday, November 15, 2007
by Scot McKay - Dating Coach
X & Y Communications
Anyone ever born of human parents (and possibly some born of other high-functioning vertebrates too, for all I know) has been taught what is commonly known as "The Golden Rule". That's right, "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You".
And if you follow this tenet throughout life's journey, things actually do tend to go well. People really do like to be treated with respect, of course. Go figure.
Have you ever thought of any potential challenges in approaching and seducing MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex) in that light before? If not, consider that "bonus material", because I've got something much deeper than that to share.
For starters, I'm pretty sure that most of us have figured out that a fair number of people with whom we share this planet don't exactly live by TGR. For them, it's more like "Do Unto Others Before They Do Unto You". I've never encountered a specific name for this particular twist on the original, but it's decidedly the "dark side" equivalent. And the way I see things, it's about as worthless as anything else coming from a position of complete, utter disdain for personal character. So let's call it "The Plastic Rule". How about "The Styrofoam Rule"?
That so many people think they can adopt such a mindset and actually experience any semblance of success in life should amaze me. But it doesn't.
Why not? Because here it is: People absolutely can and do often experience opportunistic success in a BIG WAY by utilizing the cheaper, more expendable distortion of TGR.
They're called "manipulators".
Did that get your attention? I should hope so, considering how many e-mails and Skype calls I get from those of you out there who are losing entire chunks of your personal freedom and dignity at the hands of MOTOS who just want to take a bigger bite out of you while offering little in return. The simple fact that genuinely good people are getting thrashed to shreds in their dating lives has reached a boiling point with me. Clearly, perfectly decent people are getting jaded by seemingly promising circumstances gone bad-and yet, they're continuing to invite other manipulators into their lives. Apparently the lesson isn't being learned.
Or...perhaps the answer to the puzzle of why generous, high-end people continue to be duped by manipulation is that they fail to recognize it for what it is. The truth is most of us don't even have a well-constructed working definition of "manipulation" at our disposal. And that, my brothers and sisters, is because many of us have never had the presence of mind to work TGR in REVERSE.
So, you've got it: "The Plastic Rule" is NOT in fact what I'm referring to in the title of this piece. Did I catch you off guard with that? Good! My job is to keep you on your toes out there. TPR is more like the photo-negative image or "opposite" of TGR, if you will. Someone who adopts that mindset is using it ON you. It's a frame that is all their own.
If you, on the other hand, live by TGR the most effective secret I've ever discovered for identifying manipulators and eliminating them from one's life is to essentially "reverse engineer" the concept when considering the actions of others.
What do I mean by this?
Essentially, when confronted with a situation where someone is interacting with you or behaving towards you in a way you are somehow uncomfortable with, ask yourself this question: "Would I ever do unto someone else that which is being done unto me?"
Consider that your yardstick by which to measure what you should be willing to tolerate from others regarding their behavior toward you. If you would never do to someone else what is being done unto you in a million years, only an utter lack of self-respect would allow you to continue subjecting yourself to such.
Make this thought process your habit, and you've effectively leveraged the concept of "TGR-R". It sounds like a late 90's Yamaha sportbike, but it's actually "The Golden Rule-Reversed".
Here's a basic example of a situation where applying TGR-R could prove indispensable:
WEEK ONE:
Wannabee Manipulator: "Hey you, I just came back from the store and I got us both a Diet Pepsi. Here you go, man."
You: "Whoa...that's cool of you. Thanks."
WM: "No problem. I take care of my friends."
WEEK TWO:
WM: "Hey You, my car just got repossessed. Can you lend me $1586.49? You are my only hope of ever getting my car back!"
You: "Wow...I don't know man. I'm not made of money and that's kind of a lot."
WM: "Hmmm. Well, you know, I've had your back before. That's what friends are for. I do things like buy you sodas and stuff all the time."
You: "Dude...that's a soda. This is friggin' $1586.49!"
WM: "Man, just when I thought you were really a true friend..."
From here, one of two scenarios plays out. Either you cave in and give WM the money, likely to a response of, "My man! I just KNEW you'd come through. You're like the greatest person who has ever lived, dude!" Or, you tell WM to get lost, probably eliciting a response to the tune of, "Wow. I thought you were a real friend. But your true colors are shining through. You only care about yourself."
Regardless of which outcome actually occurs, you likely will feel an uneasiness in the pit of your stomach. You'll feel like you've been compromised or even flat-out used if you shell out the cash. And if you don't, you're left with the stinging guilt of not having helped out a friend in need. Unless, of course, you are armed with TGR-R.
With the perspective of TGR-R, you are able to ask yourself, "If my car was ever repossessed, would I ever assume myself to be entitled to an unsecured loan of nearly $1600 from a friend?" Any decent human being would clearly answer "no way". Who compromises friendships for dollars...especially when one's lack of creditworthiness painted oneself into such a position anyway? This level of clarity allows you to call out the manipulator with no reason for guilt whatsoever.
Indeed. And a similar principle holds true in a variety of potential situations with MOTOS. What if a woman has flaked out on you for the third time in two weeks--and you put up with it (again) despite the fact that you would NEVER, EVER flake on someone yourself...at all? TGR-R would put an end to that kind of weak capitulation once and for all.
Identify and kill manipulation before it happens. Deserving what you want involves both being a person of high character AND being able to IDENTIFY others with high character...or lack thereof.
This Article has been viewed 4,578 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)I'm going through being minipulated by my 16 year old daughter,wow know i have something to go on thanks!!!!!!!!
thank you sooooo much. i am always in this situation. but NO LONGER. THANK YOU.
Was this article helpful to you?OFCOURSE, that was a work of genius. Giving it a term, and applying in real life, now that's what I have to do.Thanks *can I borrow $3000 now lol*For a few years now my daughter who is now 16 as been manipulating me. A manipulator as no empathy or care how they affect the other person they are only bothered about achieving what they want. My eyes our now wide open and I will nolonger allow this to happen.
You are a direct hit!!! I have been manipulated with just about every relationship I've been in...your advice is a very easy read. Have you written a book? Thank you for your very PRACTICAL advise!!
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.