Frustrated With Your Dating Life? Here's Why...

Every day we get phone calls and e-mails from both men and women.  I see that as a major plus because it's like having a crystal ball that cuts through the haze and offers some very clear insight into how men and women think about each other.

Just this week something finally occurred to me after fielding literally thousands of calls and e-mails.  There is ONE FACTOR that literally every single person who calls or writes shares. It's almost like a common thread of DNA.

None of them are IN CONTROL of their dating lives.

Instead, it's whomever they are interested in who tends to be in FULL CONTROL.

You see, typically a guy will write me and say something like, "Hey Scot, I got a phone number from a woman but I called her and she was completely non-committal about hanging out sometime.  How do I get her to go out with me?" 

Or, he may say, "Look Scot, I've got a problem here.  I started dating this woman and it was going well.  But then she stopped returning calls as quickly as she once did.  And lately she has been telling me she's ‘super busy' and can't really get together as often.  I texted her four or five times yesterday, but she didn't answer."

The women's version tends to be shockingly similar, if for some untold reason the stories themselves more dramatic and entertaining.

"Scot, I really like this guy who is ‘legally separated'.  But he hasn't filed for divorce and changes the subject whenever I bug him about it.  We were supposed to go out Friday night but he never called.  So I finally called him around 10p and some chick answered!  She was really, really, REALLY mad.  What do I do?"

Or…

"Gee Scot, I met this guy online and he lives a couple of hours away.  I don't understand why he can't just take a Saturday afternoon and meet me half way or something to have lunch.  But he keeps putting it off.  How can I get him to be more excited about meeting me?"

Do you see the pattern there?

Each of the four scenarios above involves someone having put the object of his or her potential affection in complete, utter control over the outcome.

The most curious part of this is that the guys who are in such a position are the same ones who are firmly convinced that "women are the choosers and men are the chasers".  They are the ones who complain that women "can pick up a guy anytime they want, and we guys have to do all the work".

Meanwhile, every single woman in a similar position relates to me some version of, "How come I have to be the only one who cares about the relationship all the time? How come I call him and couldn't be sweeter to him, but he hardly ever calls back?  And when he does, how come he only wants to see me like once a month?"

Yep…you got it.  The one IN CONTROL chooses…man or woman. 

And that's precisely why everyone in that "out of control" position ends up frustrated.  They feel powerless and asking someone like us "what to do" to is really just a band-aid. 

The reality is there's nothing they CAN do to get inside another person's mind and work the controls.

At least not directly.

But here's something else I've noticed.

I rarely get calls or e-mails from men or women who view themselves as having OPTIONS when it comes to MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex).

Sure, some people might start dating several MOTOS at once and end up having a hard time sorting out their rambunctious social lives. 

And at that point they may get on the "blower" and ask me how to deal.  But again, that's really just another version of NOT BEING IN CONTROL of one's dating life, isn't it?

Granted, that's a "high quality problem", but it's still a twist on the same basic issue nonetheless.  But instead of one person being in control over another, in this case you have one person being controlled by the pressures of many on his or her time.

Poor babies, I know.

But it can be FRUSTRATING nonetheless.  And that, as I mentioned, is the premise of this entire discussion. 

When you are OUT OF CONTROL of your dating life, you are FRUSTRATED.

And when you are IN CONTROL of your dating life, you aren't.

It really couldn't be more simple.