A Half Dozen Signs Of A Psycho Girlfriend
Posted: Wednesday, May 07, 2008
by Scot McKay - Dating Coach
X & Y Communications
If you know me, you know by now that I generally write POSITIVE articles. I talk a lot about how to become a better man who gets better women. In my mind, that's what it's all about.
Today, I'm going to write to you about women I'm POSITIVE you should be avoiding.
But first, a caveat. I've been driven to the point of having to write this, really.
You see, I've seen this disturbing trend going on with the e-mails and phone calls I've been getting lately. Guys are weighing in with stories of flat-out preposterous behavior from women and asking me if it's "normal".
No, dude. When you tell a woman on the phone that you need some extra time to think about an exclusive relationship at 10pm the night before, you're NOT supposed to wake up at 5am the morning after to her standing on your bed, straddling you with a butcher's knife in her hands. And that goes double if you've never given her a key to your apartment. And it goes triple if you've never told her where you live.
No. That's not "normal" behavior. And yes, that was an actual story from an actual guy wondering if he should actually excuse her for such a minor infraction.
And let me tell you, that's just one of MANY, MANY examples I've been hearing lately.
Yet, shockingly, the recurring theme is that guys are attempting to rationalize behavior like that...wondering if they should just pass it off as either a fluke or something that they should simply expect from women in general.
I don't care how good she looks, gentlemen. All women are NOT stark raving nuts. And there's no coming to terms with women who are. Rationalizing equals settling . And in this case, the particular brand of settling you are dealing in could have particularly devastating ramifications if left unchecked.
So here it is guys, but only because it appears to be necessary: "Six Ways To Tell She's Psycho", or "A Half-Dozen Types Of Behavior That Are Irrational".
1) If She'd Already Be In Jail Were She A Man
The vignette I shared above is a shining example of what I'm talking about here. If you are attempting to rationalize behavior on a woman's part that you are sure would have landed you in the slammer for a night (or longer), then you're not thinking clearly yourself.
Whether it's assault, shoplifting, public drunkenness or whatever , the root cause of your rationalization is probably a deep-seated feeling that male behavior is BAD behavior, and that women are born with a halo that protects them from legal consequences.
Well, last I checked there was only one code of law. I've never known there to be distinctions between male and female infractions.
Ask yourself, if a guy ever did what happened here to a woman, how would I feel about it? What should his consequences be? Then, realize the yardstick measures equally regardless of gender.
2) If You're Personal Safety Is Jeopardized
If you go to bed at night thinking she might kill you in your sleep, and if you're considering hiring a "royal taster" to make sure she isn't poisoning your tea, I'd say there's a very real issue...obviously. This also holds true if she has plate-throwing fits of rage like a scene from "The Godfather". Dude, so maybe you messed up and gave her reasonable grounds to get upset. That doesn't mean she gets to be utterly violent about it and/or vindictive over the long term.
For the record, I'd probably lump "terrifying driving habits" into this category, also.
3) Extreme Double Standards
She has a couple hundred "really, really good guy friends" with whom she's decidedly got the "touchy feelies" for. When you casually bring up that you felt disrespected at that last house party, she levels a stream of invective upon you that would make the most raging alcoholic jealous. (Oh yeah, "raging alcoholism" counts as "psycho" also)
Meanwhile, you can't even remember the "waitress that was flirting with you" five weeks ago while at lunch as some Mexican restaurant you no longer recall the name of. But today she decided your live should be miserable because of her...whoever she was.
4) Compulsive Behavior
Something out-of-line happened and now she has called you 147 times between midnight and 6am. She's sorry. She's wondering if you still love her.
And you're wondering if this is "normal".
Look man, if EVERY woman called us 147 times in a six hour period NOTHING would ever have been accomplished by now over the entire history of mankind. Hell, we'd still be playing with sticks and rocks.
Never mind that last point is obviated by the fact we wouldn't have invented the telephone. You get my point.
It's not like "147" is the "magic number", either. The first call could be all the evidence you need.
One guy called me this very morning to ask me if a woman calling at 3am "just to see if he was home" was "normal".
By the way, he called me at a reasonable hour in case you can't help but wonder.
But anyway, If something like this ever happens to you, say this: "OK, I've got a deal for you. You promise never to call me at 3am like that again, and I'll promise not to answer the phone."
Sounds like a fair deal to me.
5) Massive Swings
No, not the ones they have on the beach at Spring Break. What we're talking about here is "Jekyll And Hyde Syndrome".
Maybe she hasn't been formally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, but that doesn't change the fact that you have no idea which chick is going to show up at any given time. One minute she's a sweetheart. The next, she's livid and screaming at you. Whoa...I promise this is NOT what EVERY woman is like.
And it's not a "given" that you should put up with it, either. In fact, quite the opposite
6) Utterly Unreasonable Accusations Or Assumptions
You've been out for a whopping total of ten minutes filling the tank in your pickup truck to get ready for your road trip this weekend. You walk back into the house and she accuses you of having been to see your "girlfriend" and have sex with her.
Or...she freaks out and tells you to remove the satellites, "invisible" radio towers and/or hidden microphones from her apartment that you are obviously using to spy on her and broadcast movies of her naked in the shower to a global audience.
Nope. I'm not making those up either. True stories from a guy who rationalized them-- namely me, many years ago!
Guys, if you are with a woman who demonstrates clear signs of living in an alternate reality you must realize that you are a witness to clear signs of a very serious mental illness. DO NOT under any circumstances allow yourself to become entangled in a serious relationship with such a woman, regardless of how much of a hottie she is. In fact, I'd highly recommend alerting her family to her erratic behavior and helping her get some professional help...seriously.
I genuinely hope that you've never had to face any situations remotely like the ones I've just described. But then again, I know better based on the volume of stories I hear.
Here's the bottom line, as always: Men and women are more ALIKE than DIFFERENT. What would be irrational on your part is equally irrational on hers. Neither invite nor excuse this sort of instability when it comes to the women in your life. Deserve what you want.
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More commentsWow, this article rings so true of someone I dated, especially numbers 4 and 5. She was a hottie and was flattered she wanted to go out with me, but then started noticing uncool things. After awhile, I believed she was bi-polar and asked her to go to counselling before more dating and she wanted me to go to counselling so I could get more serious about getting married!! Here are my highlights:1. Wanted me to have lunch with her parents after three dates and got upset when I told her it was too early.2. Our first big fight was that I wanted to go out and watch Monday Night Football with my boyz (I definitely was not seeing anyone else) even tho I had taken her out both the previous Fri and Sat night. When I told her we could talk about it the next day and went out anyway, I had 17 phone messages that ranged from yelling to crying if I was alive yet.3. Outright told me to dump all my friends because she had just done the same thing. We weren't supposed to see friends and only each other.4. Definitely called me every day at work, sometimes twice, and got mad when I asked her to not to call so much and I could call her after work.5. Actually yelled at me in a restaurant when I didn't want to order appetizers. She wanted one that she liked and I told her to order it and asked if I wanted it. I told her no but go ahead and order it if she wanted it (I was paying and I always did). She started yelling at me about why I didn't want or like them.6. Of course, I broke up with her and the calls and contact increased dramatically and more yelling at me and crying and asking why I broke up with her. When I brought up these (and other) examples, then she would get more mad.7. About a year after that, I got a call at 1am from her, crying, stating she didn't think life was worth living without being with me. I tried getting her to call the suicide hotline (I did) and found out the next day from mutual friends it was the guilt me to go back out with her.She had real issues that I didn't see coming and needed help before getting involved with anyone. She ended up dating a buddy of mine within two weeks and made me wonder if she wasn't already seeing him on the side or something.I have a different buddy who married a woman similar to this and was divorced five years later and had to get restraining orders against her. Just helps to know this stuff up front before you get involved or married! There are a lot of other people out there who may be the one!
Omg!!! so true!! everything written here... oh and bipolar chick... dont be so offended, I dont think Scott was taking a Jab at you.I dated a psycho chick for 2 years, before I realized how psycho she trully was, I can genuinely say I was in love with her, But as time went on she got more and more psycho, She would accuse me of cheating, lying, not caring about her, well pretty much anything a super psycho needy chick would say. One day she got so intoxicated she took a liquor bottle to her head threatening to kill her self because I wasnt who she wanted me to be for not giving her enough attention.... she ended up whipping the bottle on the floor and calling me ridiculous names... I didnt resort to yelling back or attacking, I just listened to her rant and cry about god knows what..... I remember feeling like I could not fall asleep for fear that she would kill me... She was completely out of control, at one point I dialed the cops but hung up just before she noticed me calling for fear that she would lose it worse before they got there... the next morning when she was super hung over, I kindly asked her to hand over my apartment keys, and I asked her to take all her belongings with her, to my surprise, she must have been so hung over that she did so.... I am worried she will start with psycho messages soon... fun times. My first psycho chick ever, and I've been with many women. I just dont think I was experienced enough with psycho chicks... I know better now. A good friend of mine once told me never to date women who hate their fathers. I shoulda listened....
I rarely ever comment on forums or blogs, but I had to comment here to thank you Scot for your article, especially your response to Lindsey, it was extremely well put and not offensive at all. It acknowledges that the condition can be an illness, but does not excuse ALL behavior and enables the bearer to take responsibility.A recurring theme I found with people who have chronic irrational behavior is the desire to somehow not take responsibility, even though yes, it is acknowledged that it is an illness. In this fashion it is similar to alcoholics (which is regarded as a disease in some circles) refusing to admit they have a problem and get help or understand why their partners have to give some distances at times.I personally have also come from a 'psycho' relationship and can say many of the comments said here and in your article ring true to varying degrees.It also took me a long time to realize that this girl needed serious help. The main problem comes with boundaries and limits. Just stating some of the behavior is not enough to convince that there are issues. Sometimes it can be the degree of irrationality in the behavior or the frequency of it. How many times can it be excused away with the age old ('oh I'm sorry, women are just emotional sometimes')?The 3am calls? I have dated women in the past who have called me late at night and I have NOT had issues with it. Why? Because they were infrequent and they were almost always for some kind of emergency that 95% of the general population would recognize as an emergency. When it becomes frequent (several nights a week, or several times a night) and the girl doesn't acknowledge the need for you to function at work the next day, you have a red flag.I just want to say thanks for putting this up to help those of us who have come out of such relationships realize that it is unacceptable behavior and most important of all:"there's a very big difference between forgiveness and subjecting oneself unreasonably to mutual damage".I personally have forgiven my ex, and I have moved on, but I still hold to not accepting that kind of behavior ever again.
I find your article to be spot on. I was in a relationship with a psycho woman for over 2 years now. I just ended it a month ago. In fact, I really couldnt see it coming when I first dated (maybe I was naive and missed all the flags). And get this, she threats about leaving the relationship all the time, over the smallest reason.. and expects me to beg my way back... but on May 3, I didnt beg (because I had enough), I said "OK. I agree we should break up". She went into a mental rage. Breaking things, taking a knife to cut her wrist, throwing things from the 19th floor apartment and here is the best part.. she left the house, stayed in the car park all night.. and when I went to the car park, and at the moment she saw me...she rammed her car into a wall ! Days after that she sends me apologetic emails... giving all kinds of excuses for her rage. I ran that day, and I never turned back.Wow, man. I'm just glad you were able to get our before you married her. That's all quite a story.
This article brought a smile to my face, because I remember my two friends' psycho girlfriend. That was back in the day when people were frugal, so we are talking about one girl. They called her "The Claw", and she earned that nickname, too! Came into my apartment one night asking to borrow a kitchen knife. "OK," I thought," They're cooking in tonight. Right, she slashed my friend's water bed, and it flooded into the apartment downstairs. That poor girl was violent in a way that when I saw her kicking and scratching her way up one sidewalk, I made sure she didn't see me high tailing it in the other direction.
I am so glad you wrote this article. I was involved with a guy who was dating a few women at a time and I really like him. The woman he has ended up with fits your article to a T. She has ripped up his address book, spied on him, looked in his phone, and the worst (which I heard from a mutual friend who was there) punched him in the head. I remain friends with this man and feel bad that he is choosing this person; I keep my distance so as not to invoke her rage. From what he has said, one of his parents was violent toward him when he was a child and I wonder if that contributes to men who accept this behavior. A woman who hits a man she supposedly loves is in some ways comitting a double crime and has no honor. She is hitting another person AND she knows that culturally he is conditioned not to hit back. Imagine what this type of person may do to a child.
People who value looks above actual personality and general sanity will always fall into this trap and think "Oh, why did this happen? I guess it's okay" deserve this. This is common sense stuff. I really really have a hard time believe that some people are THIS dumb that they let people abuse them like that. I had a boyfriend who tried some of the above to me and he was gone after I realized that it wasn't just fluke behavior.How can some people lack this much self respect??
Help me on this one if you're still around. Met a hot rich girl, was dating someone else though (dumb me). She (the rich one) found out but due to me going "back and forth" for a bit she broke into my house and stole back clothes she bought me and a gun she bought me. Then although I knew it had to be her (she denied it and said it was my now ex...the other one) I shoud be yelling at her. The rich girls friend ratted her out and she said she originally meant to take her stuff back and break up with me but was "in love" now and couldn't. She does demand a lot of time and is a bit loud when we go out. Is this psycho behavior or did I spur it on by my behavior?She broke into your home, and you're potentially blaming yourself? I see this all the time in guys, particularly. It's as if we've bought into the idea that all men are jerks and women are "divine goddesses" who can inherently do no wrong. Therefore, if relationship problems happen it must be the GUY'S fault. Some dating coaches even go so far as to teach women this very principle, allegedly to help bolster women's self esteem.
But the simple, readily apparent truth is that we're all human beings, and we can ALL have problems, regardless of gender. Any woman who breaks into your home--and then lies about it, no less--should be broken up with. You might even want to get a restraining order filed. That is absolutely inexcusable, and a harbinger of what you can expect in the future if you were (foolishly) to enter a long-term relationship with her.
First off, thanks for a great article. Second off, thanks to Scot for saving me from making a huge mistake, and NOT marrying a Russian woman I brought to the USA on a fiancee visa. If I had married her, my life would be total hamburger by now. I have a few of Scot's programs, and on one program, he had a couple women talking about women to avoid. They said (among other criteria), avoid women who: 1) Absolutely avoid any woman who uses rationing of sex and affection to try to get what they want in the relationship; 2) Avoid any woman who has double standards for herself and for you. (Scot has also mentioned these points in his programs). My Russian gal, on the second day she arrived, started sleeping in her daughter's room and informed me there would be no sex and no sleeping with me until after we were married. (Fail: criteria 1) She also raged at me for having even a minor disagreement with her in front of her daughter, that might cast her in a bad light, yet it was OK for her to mock and insult me in front of her daughter, including mocking and insulting me in Russian to her daughter. (Fail: criteria 2) I secretly videoed a couple outburts on my smartphone and got it translated, and OMG the awful things she was saying in Russian about me to daughter). After about two weeks of agony coping with her psychologically battering behavior (I've only described the mild parts here) I researched and realized she was showing behaviors that strongly suggested Borderline Personality Disorder. Replaying Scot's instructions over and over in my head helped me avoid giving in to her pressure and stupidly marrying her, and believing her promises that she would calm down and act normal once she "felt secure". About 3 weeks in, she grabbed the steering wheel while I was driving 60mph and yanked it and nearly caused a crash that would have killed me and her daughter. I'd had enough. I ended the relationship a little over a month from her arrival, by getting a domestic violence restraining order and having her removed from my house by law enforcement. It wasn't "cultural differences" or "stress of being in a new country" that was the problem, it was mental illness, and her unwillingness to get help or even accept any responsibility for her actions. (She blamed me for "causing" her steering wheel grab.)
Also, FYI, recent studies show that 40% of those diagnosed as BiPolar are actually a better fit with "Borderline Personality Disorder" diagnosis. (The mis-diagnosis seems to result from the influence of money & politics, where BiPolar is "covered" for treatment by insurance but Borderline is not.) Borderline Personality disorder is also called "Emotional Regulation Dysfunction" in some diagnostic systems. Some experts say that nearly 10% of the female population has this, but the "officially" accepted estimate is 2%.
Anyway, just holding firm on these two criteria from Scot was enough to help keep me from making a huge mistake, and in the future I will recognize these issues and pull the plug much earlier. P.S., It's difficult, because Borderlines are often sexy hotties, and usually have an intoxicating and nasty wild side to them that lures us in. Be careful out there...
YEA! Guys have to start thinking with their head . . . no, their OTHER head. Obviously, if these gals didn't look HOT none of you guys would put up with "Hello!" much less the rest of the sentence. If you can actually think when a woman is nearby, try to think of her as a guy . . . would you put up with any of this from a guy friend? But you put up with women on the off chance in a billion that you'll get sex. Can the sex really EVER be that good? Guess so . . . you guys put up with so much! Glad you are out there training/warning the men. I hate picking up the leftover pieces and patching men back together. Just once, I'd like a man who doesn't need a mother or a psychiatrist before we begin our togetherness.
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