What If She's Dating You...And Other Guys Also?
Posted: Monday, November 17, 2008
by Scot McKay - Dating Coach
X & Y Communications
It's no secret that I strongly advocate dating several women at once. Life is way too short to be a "serial dater". You've got to learn quickly what it is you really want in a great woman, and how to evaluate whether a particular woman fits the parameters or not. Otherwise, you're likely to settle for less than who you really want in your life.
And women will often respond in a reasonable manner as long as they're told the truth.
But here's the tricky part.
While a shockingly high percentage of the women you date will actually choose to date no guys other than you--even after they know where you stand--there are also bound to be women who are not only reserving their right to date other guysthey're ACTING on it.
That's their prerogative outside of an exclusive relationship with you, of course. But even so, it's not always the easiest thing to deal with psychologically when she starts talking about it openly, is it?
So what do you do when this happens?
Let's break down the possibilities.
For starters, most guys who feel like they've been hit by a truck upon hearing that a woman is dating multiple guys are usually coming from a perspective of having LIMITED OPTIONS.
Now, I fully get that it takes time to go from having marginal success with women to having that full slate of 4-6 of them in your life that I often talk about.
So things can get particularly dicey if you REALLY like a woman who is sitting across from you, she's the ONLY woman you happen to be dating at the moment, AND THEN she casually mentions something about another guy she is seeing.
Your first thought may be to find out as much about the other guy as you can.
What does he look like? What kind of job does he have? What kind of car does he drive?
And if you lack personal discipline enough to suppress your curiosity in this regard, you'll go ahead and blurt out such questions.
But in doing so, you'll betray your insecurities. After all, you'll be obviously attempting to sort out possible comparisons with him in your mind-probably, as human nature would have it, according to your own limiting beliefs.
In other words, if you think your car sucks, that's when you most likely to ask about his.
Bad idea.
It's even a WORSE idea to try to qualify yourself by asking boneheaded questions like, "So do you like me better?" Ouch.
Deep down, I think most of us who have spent any time improving our skills with women fully realize that responding in the manner I've just delineated spells certain doom.
Nonetheless, some guys just can't help themselves from doing it. Just like some women can't help asking such questions when they find out YOU'RE dating other women, right?
Nevertheless, we instinctively know that there's a MUCH BETTER way to respond.
That would be to conduct oneself with pure confidence, perhaps responding to her mention of another guy with something to the effect of, "Well, you SHOULD be dating other guys. I'm really glad you aren't going to be one of those women who falls in love after a week and gets all clingyI'm getting kind of sick of that. It's good that we can just enjoy each other's company."
But that takes A LOT of intestinal fortitude. It's "advanced level" stuff to pull off the RIGHT WORDS in that situation backed by the RIGHT ATTITUDE.
Unless you REALLY ARE dating multiple women and REALLY ARE almost relieved that she isn't getting the female version of "one-itis", you're going to risk coming off as inauthentic.
And we all want to avoid that.
So given the two options--utter neediness vs. calling the situation out with confidence-what do most guys do?
Well, unfortunately, they usually opt for the "hidden" third option.
They do NOTHING.
That's rightthey either stick their head in the sand like an ostrich, or they go into total denial.
This is usually characterized by a rapid subject change, a sudden excuse to go to the men's room, or an awkward silence on the phone.
Once the initial pain or uneasiness of the news is over, we tend to slog through the rest of the interaction. And she's happy to oblige.
Wellguess what?
While most guys recognize that they DO NOT want to appear "needy" by asking a bunch of dumb questions, what they DON'T realize is that by avoiding the issue altogether they actually come off AS BADLY or EVEN WORSE than if they had become Dr. Clingy McNeedy.
Why?
Because instead of at least taking the bull by the horns and finding out what's up, avoidance or denial portrays you as a hopelessly passive man who is either unwilling or unable to face a challenge.
Plus, you're likely to start running through all the possibilities in your head. Picturing her with that other guy. Imagining that other guy as being some sort of stud in every way you perceive yourself NOT to be.
Basically, you'll drive yourself NUTS laying awake at night.
All the while, had you responded from a position of strength as we discussed before, she may have ended up volunteering to you that the other guy wasn't as high a priority as you are to her.
But by avoiding the issue altogether instead, you'll never know for sure.
Next stop? Total loss of attraction on her part.
No wait, check that.
The NEXT STOP would probably be her MANIPULATING you at will for some fixed period of time, FOLLOWED by total loss of attraction on her part.
After all, you will have failed to deploy when it comes to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that represents true masculinity from a woman's perspective.
Here's a hint: Passivity and denial are pretty much the antitheses of courage and character.
So the next time you find out that a woman you are attracted to is dating other guys, what are you going to do?
Asking needy questions is OUT of the question, of course.
And pretending she never said anything is EVEN WORSE, as you now know.
Instead, can you recognize that offering your approval to her dating other guys REALLY IS the best option, no matter if YOU are dating other women at the time or not?
With that in mind, can operating as a man who perceives himself to have options become the preferred path to follow in these situations?
And can you be AUTHENTIC in doing so, knowing the gravity of the alternatives?
As counter-intuitive as it sounds, your confident approval of her dating others is actually your BEST CHANCE of becoming the one she ultimately favors.
When she perceives you as having options, she's more likely to accurately recognize that you are HER best option.
Considering that a woman's natural tendency is typically to want to keep the greatest man she has ever met in her life, you are WAY better off getting her to wonder how she's going to earn your ultimate favor than giving her the impression that you are scrambling to compete for her.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)agree
As a woman, I completely disagree with your article. If I'm dating a guy I really like, the only reason I would probably go out with anyone else in the first place is to keep myself busy or to not get too crazy gaga over the beau. I guess the only other reason for dating multiple men would be that I don't really like any of them all that much, but I find going out and doing stuff to be more fun than sitting at home.
Anyhow, if I mentioned I was dating another, it would be to either let a guy know I'm not interested or to see how much a man cares about me. If he is fine and dandy with me dating other guys and I really care about him and want him to make the move to take our relationship to the next level- his lack of caring will be the first reason I walk away from the relationship in order to pursue other potential relationships. If I told a guy that I wasn't interested in, it wouldn't matter what he said. If a woman knows you are not the man for her- usually there's no reversing it.
So, in conclusion. If you are seeing a woman and she mentions another guy- don't act like a clingy, insecure douche. If you want her to be all yours, this is your opportunity to make it happen. If you try and fail, she most likely was never serious about you in the first place.
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