The "Silent Killer" Of Relationships: The Presume And Assume Factor
Posted: Wednesday, September 30, 2009
by Scot McKay - Dating Coach
X & Y Communications
In the past I've written about what I firmly believe to be the three biggest indicators of relationship success. They are:
1) Expecting the best of the other person (a.k.a. giving them the "benefit of the doubt") until proven otherwise
2) Forgiving small grievances quickly (lest the "cumulative effect of all the small things" pile up)
All three of those are of MASSIVE importance, of course. But today I'm going to add a fourth, which is this:
4) Avoid presuming upon someone you care about, and never assume s/he will or will not do something for you.
Call it the "Presume And Assume Syndrome", or PAAS for easy reference.
So what exactly am I talking about here?
Well in the most simplistic terms, I'm giving you the secret to virtually eliminating bitterness from a relationship between two well-meaning people.
And sure, I realize as much as you do that major breaches like infidelity, alcoholism, etc. cause bitterness. That's OBVIOUS.
But what about those couples who let that bitterness creep in slowly and quietly in "stealth mode" over months or even years before realizing they're in its clutcheseven as they can't even describe WHY?
My guess is that PAAS is the culprit.
PAAS is rooted in basic SELFISHNESS. The idea at play here is that "my wants and needs are important, and it's my partner's job to make sure they're met".
This typically results in a cavalier attitude (at best ) or and utter disregard (at worst) towards the other partner's wants and needs.
And hey, there may not be any "ill will" here at all. All of this may be going on as a simple result of learned narcissism over the years.
Ever heard of someone being "set in their ways" after being single for a while, and that having a negative effect on a relationship? B-I-N-G-O.
All of this may seem to be an obvious detriment to a relationship on the surface, but I'm telling youPAAS can be A LOT sneakier than you think.
Here's a common example.
Your girlfriend of a month or so is moving next weekend. She automatically ASSUMES you are going to help her move. And she PRESUMES this upon you without even checking in to see what your plans are.
In principle, are you cool with helping her move? Probably.
But are you miffed that she didn't even ask AT ALL, let alone nicely?
And are you perturbed that in lieu of her offering some sort of favor to you as a warm "thank you", she instead PRESUMES upon you the "gift" of joining two or three of her ex-boyfriends on moving day in doing the "heavy lifting"as she chats and giggles on her cell phone all the while?
I think you get the picture.
But not so fasthere's another example.
You've got tickets to the big game. Do you tell your girlfriend that you've got a "cool surprise" for her on Saturday night, and drag her along even though she's been pretty clear about having an aversion to watching sports?
Then do you meet up with a couple buddies at the arena and ignore her for most of the game, except for that one time you jump up and splash beer on her by accident?
And THEN, when your team loses at the buzzer are you a crank for the rest of the nighttaking it out on her?
You've got it: Presume And Assume Syndrome.
We as guys aren't immune.
EVERYONE, it appears, has plenty of capacity in the context of a relationship for self-centered thinking that goes a little too far.
Our intentions aren't necessarily evil, it's just that all of us can get a bit carelessor make that CLUELESS.
What's the cure?
Well, here's the good news. Simply flipping the lights on and RECOGNIZING how PAAS works will go a LONG way toward your being able to avoid it.
Similarly, you'll be able to CALL OUT presumptions and assumptions on the spot and address them with a woman, rather than letting them cumulate and simmer over time.
As you can see, this bit of wisdom will prove IMMENSELY VALUABLE to you as a relationship managerstarting RIGHT NOW.
But what of the "darker side" of PAAS?
Thus far in this newsletter I've been operating under the assumption that you are relating to a woman who is "well-meaning". In other words, she has no hang-ups about men in general and/or any aversion to the simple desire to be happy.
I'd be remiss, however, if I didn't share with you some VERY SIGNIFICANT warning signs that you are with the WRONG WOMANall based on PAAS indicators.
As a prime example, consider a woman whose attitude is that "all men are the same", in the negative sense. She may live life ASSUMING that you will cheat on her, even when you have no such intention.
Further, she may PRESUME upon you the necessity of sharing her misery in the form of extreme jealousy. You know, wondering where you are all the time and possibly even littering your life with empty accusations.
Should you tolerate this for long, you may begin to feel ever-increasing bitterness toward this womanas if you've been unfairly convicted of a crime you didn't commit.
You may even go so far as to think you might as well cheat on her. After all, you're "paying the price" in your relationship with her no matter what.
But were you to do actually cheat, all you'd be doing is VALIDATING her presumptions AND her assumptions.
Shockingly, as twisted as it sounds, actually violating her as such may make her feel BETTER. In a very real sense, you will have lifted a cloud of GUILT from her for treating you the way she has been without her having the hard evidence to back it up.
So then, your validation of her PAAS actually closes the loop for her psychologically. She now feels that hounding you was JUSTIFIED and the RIGHT THING TO DO.
Similarly, a woman for some reason may have low enough self-esteem that she feels she deserves to be punished. As crazy as this sounds, I was on the phone just yesterday with one among you who just recently escaped from a relationship with such a woman.
Maybe you can relate.
Again, there may be nothing but PURE INTENTIONS on your part if you are with such a woman. You may be (as you SHOULD be) hard-wired NEVER, EVER to lift a finger to physically harm a woman.
Yet, it's as if the woman is RELENTLESS in instigating you to lash out against her physically.
Sooner than later, she learns every "hot button" you have.
You may allow yourself to slip into emotionally charged arguments with her as a result. And when the heat has been "kicked up a notch", she may put a finger in your face and start ordering you around.
This measure of disrespect, of course, would result in a bar fight 100% of the time were another dude to play that card.
And not grabbing that finger and wiping it away from you may be the BIGGEST TEST of discipline you've ever faced.
But you'd better not.
Because not only will she call the police and get you arrested on assault and battery charges, you will have VALIDATED her ASSUMPTION that you would physically assault her, and her PRESUMPTION upon you of creating that precarious position to begin with.
You may simply see the stories I've just shared as nothing more than "self fulfilling prophecy" in the making. But remember-the premise behind both is based on your having SOLID INTENTIONS up front.
Here again, is what I'm talking about gender-specific? Of course not.
Welcome to why it may LOOK to you like "Idiot/Jerks" ("I/Js") get all the women. But check in with those guys a few years later and see how HAPPY either they or their girlfriends/wives are.
I'll tell you what, reading back on what I've just shared with you I'm realizing I've thrown down some CHILLING stuff for you today.
But rememberthis is all about 20/20 FORESIGHT.
The point is to SAVE YOU FROM THESE HASSLES NOW.
And at the VERY LEAST, you probably are thinking now more than ever that choosing THE RIGHT WOMAN is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY one of the most CRUCIAL decisions of your life.
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