Top 10 Speech Patterns Of Those Who Lack Social Skills (Part One)
Posted: Wednesday, September 30, 2009
by Scot McKay - Dating Coach
X & Y Communications
A ton of guys have been writing in asking for some PRACTICAL info on how exactly to tighten up your social skills so that they're absolutely rock solid.
Now I don't particularly think many of you out there are exactly Ted Kaczynski "Unabombers" in the making or anything. But let's face it, the MORE WE KNOW about how to consistently crush it in the "social dynamics" department, the better off we are.
As it turns out, the format that made the most sense was to present these findings as ten specific examples of ways that people who COMPLETELY LACK social skill tend to approach interactions with other people.
Since there were TEN discrete areas identified, I've decided to split this discussion into TWO PARTS. Today, I'll share the first five with you.
Now as you read, you may feel a twinge of "self indictment". Don't let this tear you up too much.
In many, many ways I think that very same "85/15" factor I described to you a few newsletters ago applies here. In other words, WE ALL MESS UP SOMETIMES. I'll be the first to admit to you that the simple act of collecting the information for this newsletter was a REAL "eye-opener" for me personally.
Man, even being immersed in this sort of thing every day I still mess up more times on most of these than I'd like to admit. (Oh welllooks like I just admitted it anyway...)
With that in mind, as you read what follows the question to ask yourself is "Do I do any of these A LOT in my conversations with others?"
I encourage an honest answer to that question, even as your first reaction may be to laugh out loud reminiscing about all the times you've ever seen others portray EXACTLY what I'm describing in vivid detail.
But seriously, if you can become well-acquainted with this particular "top ten list" I can promise you'll be MILES AHEAD of most guys on this planet when it comes to attracting women, starting conversations with them and making first meetings go well.
And heyyou may just make and KEEP more friends in general.
With that, here are the first five:
1) Interrupting Early And Often
Sounds basic, doesn't it? But if so, why then do SO MANY of us still interrupt others so often?
Well, the simple answer is that we are so busy trying to be heard that we forget to listen. So instead of giving a care about what that other human being in front of us finds important, we spend that valuable time hard at work trying to form our next verbalized thought.
Bad move.
When this is going on, not only do we come off as rude, we COMPLETELY DISENGAGE ourselves from the conversation. And who wants to talk to a WALL?
Simply intentionalizing a new habit of fully absorbing what someone else is saying before responding is TREMENDOUS gift to oneself. That's an essential building block to becoming a hyper-effective listener.
And make no mistake; effective LISTENERS go very far in life. We're talking corner-office dwellers with high quality women waiting at home (see "Smilin' Bob" reference from last week's newsletter).
2) Stringing Multiple Thoughts Together Without Pausing
Okay. Let's be honest.
If interrupting is a favorite speech pattern of the socially unskilled, so is the "flip side": talking non-stop such that nobody else can get a word in edgewise.
If you are a passionate, enthusiastic person who genuinely adores life, then it's REALLY EASY to lapse into this mode.
And normally passion and enthusiasm are REALLY good things.
But if you consistently notice that those with whom you are conversing are trying crowbar a comment here and there, and all you can think is "How RUDE it is that this person keeps TRYING to interrupt me", then you COULD BE the reason why others feel they've GOT TO interrupt.
Here's a quick head-check. A great tip for BALANCING conversation is to speak exactly as we're all taught to WRITEin PARAGRAPHS.
A PARAGRAPH, of course, is a block of text conveying a SINGLE THOUGHT (except in e-mail newsletters, where it works better to insert more frequent breaks for easy reading, natch.)
So how about it? Do you converse with others a SINGLE THOUGHT at a time, thereby allowing your friend to chime in with a response?
Or, do you repeat phrases like "which reminds me", "and not only that", or "and here's what else" a lot?
If you bounce from point to point without pausing for interaction from the other person, you're flat-out not leaving room for that person to offer his or her own thoughts. And that's a solid recipe for NEVER having the opportunity to converse with that other person again.
3) Gossiping Like A "Vieja"
In case you don't habla Espanol, "vieja" literally means "old lady". And in Mexicano culture, which I've been immersed in for nearly 20 years now, when "vieja" is uttered as a slang term it basically refers to a woman who spreads rumors about others-usually in conversation with friends.
Rest assured those "friends" will not remain "friends" for long if they're the ones gossiped about.
It's a matter of pure opinion, but I personally believe gossiping is PARTICULARLY UNATTRACTIVE when performed by a man. Perhaps because the practice is so often associated with women, either fairly or unfairly.
One thing's for sure though. The more you spread other people's business-especially when unsubstantiated as fact-the less of other people's business you'll find yourself privy to. People simply won't trust you. And sooner than later, they will choose not even to TALK to you.
4) Assuming Experts Are Clueless
You may have been able to guess that I'd mention any or all of the first three "socially unskilled speech patterns" shared so far. So let's make the final two I share for now a bit on the more SUBTLE side.
The first such example occurs when we find ourselves contending with someone who is particularly well informed on a certain subject.
For example, if you find yourself in the front row at a comedy club, trust me when I say you'll DO VERY WELL just to nod and laugh when a particular stand-up comedian singles you out during his set to poke a bit of fun at.
If you choose to go toe-to-toe with him when he starts with the wisecracks-or heckle him, heaven forbid-you'd better be ON POINT. By that I mean you'd better be as QUICK and HILARIOUS as a professionalwhich the vast majority of us ARE NOT.
Otherwise, you're going to look REALLY BADREALLY FAST.
Similarly, I'm reminded of a story told to me by a female friend of mine who is a flight attendant.
While on a first date, the guy she was with started the evening by asking lots of questions, including about her cool job. A little "interviewish" an approach, granted. But certainly not a deal breaker in and of itself.
However, when my friend spoke about how she prefers international assignments and particularly enjoys flying the 777 aircraft in her company's fleet, the guy told her she must have been thinking of some other plane because her company doesn't have triple sevens.
"Hello", she told him, "I WORK there and do this flying stuff A LOT. I think I know the kind of plane I'm on 12 days a month."
Indeed, Continental Airlines has a dogpile of 777s.
And there was no second date for "Mr. Dumas".
I doubt most of us commit such blatant infractions. But where this factor can REALLY jump up and bite you is when you don't have a lot of background on who you're making conversation with.
For example, imagine you find yourself in a conversation with a random woman who starts talking about fast cars. Off the top of your head you say, "Oh yeah, what do CHICKS know about that stuff?" When you realize you're talking to Danica Patrick, you might feel slightly silly.
It's dangerous to assume. Don't be that guy.
5) Treating New Info As If It's Old And/Or Unimportant News
This one may have been completely overlooked had it not come up in natural conversation just a few days ago.
The dynamic goes something like this.
Someone shares a tidbit of info with another person that is late breaking and exciting to the speaker.
And whether it is or not to the listener, he or she plays it off as if it's common knowledge that the rest of the world has known about for weeks.
For example, if someone shares with me that they've just checked out a new Thai restaurant that opened across town, I SHOULD say, "WhoaI love Thai food. I've got to check that out. What's it called again? And are they on the Web?"
All of this is not expressed in a needy, approval-seeking way, mind you, but rather in a calculated tone that demonstrates what I'm being told is acknowledged as important.
But what I MIGHT say instead is, "Yep. That one's okay but there are all sorts of other great Thai restaurants in town."
The former approach makes the one who is sharing the news feel validated. The latter makes him or her resent your perceived arrogance. Whoops.
There you have it, the FIRST FIVE of TEN speech patterns of the socially clueless.
If you recognize any of these from your own recent past, remember we're only human.
So don't beat yourself up too badly. Rather, simply keep what has been shared thus far in mind and let the examples act as a TRIGGER mechanism in your own mind should any of your interactions begin to take a similar form.
Simply KNOWING what a wrong-headed approach looks like can be all it takes to prevent southbound social skills from rearing their ugly heads.
This Article has been viewed 3,847 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Scott, being a former standup comic who still has his quick wit while speaking, I like your example on experts. And I've been on both side of that coin you speak to. You really don't want to dis people who know more than you by saying YOU know more than them. I never had a heckler even while doing comedy in some of the toughest rooms. But I did have a student call me stupid once and he was gone in a flash after I applied my quick wit. He got so embarrassed he dropped the class. However, I recently had a "health expert" on a social media tell me that I was, well, to cut to the chase, ignorant. But what's interesting is that she "the health expert" didn't know some of the basics of health.Bottom line, it's hard to be disciplined and take a step back while communicating to allow others their due and to not yourself sound like a rude idiot. It does, as you mention here, take discipline and awareness. But to the majority of time it can and should be done. My question is where the hell is this class in high school? Poor communication skills kill careers, marriages, and success at all levels. My schools will have more lessons on communication so people can get along better in the home, work place, and comedy club ;-) Thanks.Thanks Jeff. I get what you're saying 100%. If you are in an informed position to correct a supposed expert then go for it...especially if you're not in a social setting per se and/or if the misinformation is potentially damaging to anyone.On the other hand, what I *don't* get is how this article can be 3.5 starts out of five AND SearchWarp's top pick of the day. But thanks again for the ribbor, SW editors--as always!Hey, I just experienced the same thing. My last article was pick of the day and each of the 9 people who commented left 5 stars, but my page 2 rating was a lowly 4.5. I think there's a jealous saboteur who doesn't any page 2 competition ;=0 A part of those small minds spoken to in this article, eh? Thanks for the words of wisdom.
Thank you for this article; it's very helpful for people of both genders - especially for those on the autism spectrum. Some of this stuff seems like common knowledge, but you'd be surprised.
This is great stuff. People can truly benefit from this article as a "civilizer" of general conduct and comportment. Great article. Full of insight and help.
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.