"Is My Girlfriend Ever Going To Change?" (Part One)
Posted: Wednesday, September 30, 2009
by Scot McKay - Dating Coach
X & Y Communications
Within the past week or so I've heard from several different guys who share a common sticking point: Their most recent relationships had failed miserably, and they were wondering what they could have possibly done wrong.
That in and of itself is nothing particularly unusual.
The amazing (and unfortunate) part, however, was that each of the guys I talked to was trying to come to grips with a problem that WASN'T REALLY THEIRS.
And by "doomed", I mean WITH OR WITHOUT HIS INPUT.
Sure, as men we absolutely, positively should be The Leading Man. Women want us to have a plan. They're depending on us to make wise decisions. And they generally respect a man who has their best interests at heart and creates safety and security in their lives.
But dudesometimes you just can't "flip a switch".
No matter how skillful we are as relationship managers and no matter how smart we are, there are times when we just flat-out CANNOT "will something" into being so.
Indeed, women are fellow human beings, not robots. And every human being is born with FREE WILL.
You can be influential in a woman's life in many ways, but in other ways you're BEATING YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE WALL if you try.
A crucial skill, therefore, for ANY MAN to learn is HOW TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE between what you CAN possibly influence (at least theoretically) and what you CAN'T.
Today, I'm going to give you FIVE EXAMPLES of situations where your leadership is practically guaranteed to be 100% INEFFECTIVE in a relationshipregardless. Here goes:
1) She's Addicted
Sure, I know you want to save the world. And I understand it's incredibly painful to realize that a woman you really like is a slave to something beyond her ability to control.
And it's even MORE painful to watch that addiction ruin her.
But you've got to realize that when something has a hold on a person like that-be it drugs, alcohol, gambling or whatever-it's likely going to take something bigger than YOU to get it in check.
Usually that's a "rock bottom" experience of some sort. And yes, that low point may come when you leave her. Then again, maybe not.
But if you take personal responsibility for her addictions, you're fighting a low-probability battle. And if you look the other way hoping she somehow changes someday, that makes you "co-dependent".
Either way, don't plan on a healthy, happy relationship.
2) She Has Mental Health Issues
If you know my personal story, you know this one hits close to home.
After seven years of my doing my level best to be a great husband, my first wife left me.
Shortly thereafter, she was diagnosed with a severe mental illness.
Blaming her for what happened is essentially the same as blaming someone for having Cerebral Palsy. So forgiving her was easy.
But even though forgiving HER was easy, I later figured out that forgiving MYSELF for "failing" wasn't. Only after I allowed myself to believe that I couldn't really hamfist the situation into a different outcome was I able to move on, and rightly so.
3) She Has A Different Core Belief System
If you have a particularly strong world view but hers is dramatically different than yours, you might as well come to grips with your inherent incompatibility sooner than later.
Obviously, religious beliefs come to mind first here. And no doubt, incompatibilities there are deal-breakersno matter how hot she is.
While there's a fair share of "missionary daters" out there, I've typically found that it's guys who are atheist or agnostic who let basic religious incompatibility slide. But make no mistake: If there are differences, then there will be MAJOR hassles.
Political differences, cultural differences and even opinions regarding child rearing (or even whether or not to have children at all) all classify.
And ohby the way, if one of you values monogamy and other not so much? That counts also.
4) She's Creeped Out By You
A potential relationship can indeed survive a few botched social details early on. And I'll share those with you next time.
But one situation that I can assure you is TRULY IRRECOVERABLE is when you've creeped a woman out.
If you invade her space, talk about weird or dark stuff, stare at her with your mouth hanging open, or ANYTHING ELSE that generally convinces her that you are NOT TO BE TRUSTED--and more of a THREAT to her personal safety than a man who can help ensure it--you're DONE.
Once she gets the "heebie-jeebies", it's a terminal condition as far as your relationship with her is concerned.
Thing about it: When was the last time YOU were attracted to a woman who creeped YOU out? And you don't even have to worry about your personal security on dates like a woman does, either.
5) She's Made Mistakes In The Past
When we're young, we're idealistic. And as we get older, it's a simple fact that we rack up some mistakes here and there over time.
But wherever we are as guys, it's almost a statistical certainty that you're going to find out something about a woman you're dating that you wish you hadn't found out.
Orif you're GLAD you found it out, you at least WISH it had NEVER HAPPENED.
And when it happens, you're going to have to have figured out AHEAD OF TIME what constitutes a "deal breaker" to you versus what you'll have to absorb and let go.
If you find out she has slept with 30 or 40 guys instead of 3 or 4, how will you respond?
If you find out she spent two months in jail a few years ago, what will your reaction be?
If it's your third date and she all of the sudden announces she has two children, then what?
One thing I can't do for you is make your list of "deal breakers" on your behalf. That's a very personal thing.
But one thing YOU can't do for a woman in your life is erase HER past mistakes.
Maybe her lifestyle and her decision making processes are way different now than they were in the past. Maybe she's truly sorry and not proud of what has happened.
All of that may indeed have an impact on how you handle the situation. And hey, you've probably made your own fair share of mistakes also.
But what's done is done. That much is certain.
Now listenI FULLY REALIZE that in a very real way what I've just shared is very hard to read.
I mean, we meet a beautiful woman with whom we have amazing, Earth-shattering chemistry and we REALLY WANT the relationship to work. I get that.
But as soon as we realize that a firmly held belief in our power to change someone else's thoughts and processes in the areas we just discussed is tantamount to PURE ARROGANCE, the better off we'll all be.
Actually, it's sort of beyond arrogance. It's IGNORANCE. Simply put, how miserable are we going to make ourselves before we finally WAKE UP?
Gentlemen, part of effectively managing relationships is AVOIDING THE WRONG WOMEN.
Being able to quickly assess whether any particular woman is potentially able to be one half of a GREAT RELATIONSHIP along with you is a VALUABLE SKILL.
And remember, you CANNOT deserve what you want without it.
Granted, you can be a great guy in every way. But if you CHOOSE THE WRONG WOMAN, you're still going to deserve what you get.
And simply put, if you DON'T WANT to get roped in to a relationship with a woman who is wrong for you long-term, you've absolutely, positively got to know how to manage relationships from minute one.
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